


Dear "Gray Child"

by Dynames2308



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Female!Kanda, Gen, Identity Issues, Irregular Update Schedule, OC SI, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reincarnation, SI!Kanda, Self Aware!Kanda, Self-Insert, Slow Build, Spoilers for D.Gray-Man Hollow, mute!Kanda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22901641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dynames2308/pseuds/Dynames2308
Summary: Kanda yet not Kanda.Halfway here, halfway there.Never enough to be entirely one nor ever enough to be truly the other.Gloriously, terribly conflicted.As always.(Because, for starters, she doesn't even know who "she" was in the first place.)
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Alma Karma, Kanda Yuu & Froi Tiedoll
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	1. So, I can stay? I can be an exorcist?

The General - whose name she cannot recall - seems to be a kind man.

Despite this, she is wary.

The scientists of the Sixth Laboratory had acted kindly towards her for the most part, too. However, that did nothing to stop them from torturing her and Alma through so-called ‘synchronization tests’ in the hopes of activating the Innocence that resided within them.  
  
Suddenly, a cold breeze blows into the small room through the half-open window and she gives an involuntary shudder at the sensation of it pricking at her skin through the tears in her clothes. He notices her discomfort and closes the window without a word.  
  
She wonders why he does not speak.  
  
Has he, by any chance, mistaken her silence for a reluctance to converse? And if that is the case, is it his intent to wait for her to make the first move?  
  
If that were the case, he would most definitely be waiting a long while. From what she can remember, in her last life, words had always evaded her in times of duress or when confronted with an unfamiliar face and she knows for a fact that she is no better now, nay, she is even worse- not a single sound has passed her lips since the beginning of her new life. 

It was because of this that she was so close to being considered a failure to those in the Sixth Laboratory. 

She thinks they might be right. Just not in the way that they think.  
  
Her thoughts are disrupted by the noise of someone clearing their throat to speak.

‘Excuse me? Young miss?’ Says the General, having evidently given up on his wait.

Yuu doesn't reply, though she does sit up straighter on the lumpy tartan-covered bed she sits upon so that she has a clearer view of the man before her.  
  
The General - Tiedoll, that's his name, she remembers, holds out a notebook, a couple of pencils and a sharpener towards her. He smiles when her gaze lands on the objects ( _He has the right sort of smile_ , Yuu decides, _the warmth reaches his eyes and even someone like me can feel his sincerity_ ) and tells her that they are his gifts to her. He goes on to explain that he doesn't mind what she chooses to use them for, however his intentions were that she might use them to practice drawing for a sense of normalcy or to write down the thoughts and feelings that she doesn't wish to discuss aloud.  
  
Without the slightest bit of hesitation, she accepts the gifts and offers a brief nod of thanks in Tiedoll's direction.  
  
He starts talking about how he plans to take Yuu shopping for new clothes as her current outfit is damaged and that she won't be getting an official exorcist uniform for at least a year. This being due to the fact that he feels that it is best for her to simply travel with him for a few months or even a year to get her used to moving around from place to place before adding the stress of getting personally involved with the exorcists' line of work.  
  
‘Not that you won't be getting any training, of course. It's just that you won't be expected to participate in any dealings with akuma that might take place.’ He adds hurriedly.  
  
An idea strikes her.  
  
She reaches for her new notebook and opens it to the first blank page. She grips the pencil and with it, writes in the unskilled, clumsy print of someone who had not written for a long time, the words: _My name is Yuu. Thank you, Mr Tiedoll. I appreciate the gifts._

Tiedoll's smile grows wider and brighter. ‘No need to thank me, Yuu,’ he insists, ‘I simply want to ensure that you feel comfortable.’  
  
She believes him. Trusts this stranger she's known for not even a week far more than even her own father(s?) from before. She knows it's strange but it's true.  
  
Realising that there is very little point in trying to keep it hidden for much longer, she adds beneath her earlier words of thanks the reason for her silence:  
  
 _I can't talk._  
  
There's a lump in her throat as she waits for Tiedoll's response.

He's quiet, too quiet.

And suddenly the forefront of her mind is flooded with worries.

Yuu _knows_ it's irrational to be thinking things like this, but she can't help it. However kind Tiedoll may be, no sane person would bother training someone who has already started off with a disadvantage however slight, especially when they were meant to fulfil a role as equal-parts crucial and dangerous as that of an exorcist. And yet, she can't begin to imagine what she would do if she loses this chance. Once again, there is the familiar feeling of her sight being clouded over by unshed tears.

‘I see no reason why you can't become an exorcist.’ He says kindly.

Yuu lets out a sigh of relief, wiping away the tears with the corner of her sleeve as she does so.

_So, I can stay? I can be an exorcist?_

‘Of course.’ He says warmly, ‘Now, I must mention that to be fully accepted as an exorcist, you need a surname. Do you have any ideas for yours?’

She knows what name she should put, the one which is meant for this life, but for a moment she finds herself hesitating. Other names, ones that are (were?) hers, could be used instead. It isn't as though there are any laws against it after all. As far as she is aware this whole reincarnation business isn't exactly common enough for rules to be set down in the first place. Even so, this other, self-indulgent option isn't one she can accept, what with her not being able to remember them properly in the first place.

_Thank you. I want my new name to be "Kanda". Yuu Kanda._

It's a name from her past, belonging to someone she had known to (not) be fictional and now that she is the one who must play his part to the best of her ability, she prays that it will give her both purpose and hope for the future. 

Again, the General smiles at her and Yuu cannot help but be certain that things are going to be— perhaps not perfect, nothing can ever be truly perfect, but definitely okay. Despite herself, she can't help but smile a little through the new tears that had begun to spill over and wet her face without her realising.

She sits in a silence a little while longer as he continues his explanation.

When at last Tiedoll leaves, bidding her a good night as he went, Yuu creeps across the room to a little window embedded in the wall to her left. 

It offers very little in way of a view, though enough can be seen through it that she can able to pick out a sliver of night sky peeking out from between buildings. The moon is hidden behind dark clouds as only the faint glimmer of the stars above appears to shed even the slightest light on the streets below.

Gazing up at them, she is struck by the sudden, though not entirely unwelcome, realisation that this is her first opportunity to view the night sky so freely since being born into the Second Exorcist Program half a year ago.

Half a year of this new life. Six months of hell. Twenty-six weeks with her brother at her side.

“Brother”. It feels odd to call a boy whom she's known for only a mere fraction of the time she has lived by that label, but at the same it is the most fitting in her eyes. 

From the start, it's always been too much of a challenge for her to manage to reconcile the image of the beautiful woman with hair like spun gold who compared exorcists to lotuses rising from the darkness of the mud with the sight of the naïve, laughing boy with the too-blue eyes and the too-soft heart who was so stubborn as to pursue her friendship.

Then again, now that she thinks about it, maybe the two _are_ a little similar. 

_Hmm, I'll see if I can do some looking into what the lady was like. That way I've got a better comparison_ , she decides.

Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she turns away from the window and returns to sitting on her bed, positioning herself so that she is facing the door.

She can see light from the hall creeping into the room through the gap between the bottom of the door and floor. The sight of that dim yellow-orange glow on the fraying grey carpet, worn down by countless sets of feet over the years, reminds her vaguely of the sight of butter melting in a pan. The randomness of the thought amuses Yuu somewhat.

And then suddenly…

There it is. Again.

A hint of pink at the edge of her vision.

There's no need for her to turn her head— she knows exactly what it is. It's a lotus. A flower that has haunted her for far too long in this life for her not to recognise it. 

She adores the intrusive bloom as passionately as she hates it. For, it serves as a reminder of the weight of the role she now carries and all of the responsibility that comes with it, as well as the undeniable truth that one wrong move of hers has the potential to cause everything to come crashing down.

It is a comforting, albeit terrifying, thought that she is needed. That she is necessary.

She lets out a yawn and for the first time in hours, she feels fatigue catching up to her.

_Time for bed._

Sleepily, Yuu pulls back the covers and slips beneath the warm quilt. Just before sleep claims her, she registers that the bed has two pillows; just as she always liked it.


	2. She wants to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The main character is depicted having an anxiety attack in this chapter so if you're sensitive to that kind of content then please feel free to skip to the line "She wants to write."

Walls.

Pressing down on her from all sides.

So close she can barely breathe.

She tries to shrink away but it only serves to make her feel more trapped.

_Why can’t they see them?_

_Why can’t they see the walls?_

Before she knows it, she’s crying.

Her heart is pounding, she feels too hot.

Her legs shake and her knees buckle.

The floor.

She feels safer now she’s closer to the ground.

Further away from judgemental gazes.

But that feeling is snatched away just as quickly.

It doesn’t stop them.

They laugh and point.

Declare that she’s acting oh so childish and that nothing’s wrong.

Someone says that if she doesn’t stop right now they’ll take out their phone and hit record.

Show her what a fool she’s acting.

But she already knows.

She’s the one it’s happening to.

Not them.

They keep talking.

Keep not understanding.

Keep refusing to understand or care.

_Why can’t they see them?_

_Why can’t they see the walls?_

_Why can’t they see them?!_

_Why can’t they—?!_

_Why can’t they—?!_

_Why can’t they—?!_

_Why._

_Why._

_Why._

She wants to scream at them to leave her alone.

But she can’t.

She can’t yell.

Her voice is gone.

But she knows.

Knows that even if it wasn’t, that it wouldn’t stop their taunts.

It would only add fuel to this loathsome fire.

_Please just leave me alone!_

_Leave me alone!_

_Just leave me alone!_

But she doesn’t want to be alone.

Not really.

She wants to be left alone but she doesn’t want to be lonely.

She just wants it to stop.

She thinks she hates them.

Hates.

Hates.

Hates.

Is it so much of a crime to want people to see from her point of view?

After so many years of being treated as the bad guy any time she breaks…

…Is a desire for people to care about her feelings so wrong?

She knows she’s not the only person in the world.

She’s painfully, painfully aware.

But knowing doesn’t stop her from feeling like this.

Doesn’t stop her from wanting to shrink away from it all.

Doesn’t stop her from wishing she could just fade away never to be seen again.

She tries to remind herself that there are people who genuinely care.

But it’s hard.

Harder than it should be.

And then…

And then she wakes up.

She’s on the floor, the blanket tangled around her.

She can’t breathe.

There’s a lump in her throat.

She can’t see.

It’s too dark.

She can’t speak.

Her voice isn’t there.

Can only feel walls pressing in on her.

Can only feel how awfully hot she feels.

Can only hear the rapid _thump_ , _thump_ of her heart.

She swears she can still hear their hateful, hateful voices.

Someone comes in.

They light a lamp and sit on a stool nearby.

It’s Tiedoll.

He doesn’t say anything.

Just waits.

She wants to write.

Writing makes it better.

Writing makes her feel safe, relaxed.

Writing makes her feel like she’s home.

She reaches for the paper and pencil. Her fingers fumble and they clatter to the floor.

Tiedoll picks the both of them up and hands them to her.

She accepts.

Clutching the pencil in her trembling right hand, she begins to write. She writes in English. It is a comfort to be able to use her first language like this.

_I had a nightmare. But I guess you already know that... Else, you wouldn’t be here._

‘Do you want to talk about it, Yu?’

He says it in English.

Yuu smiles slightly at the gesture. She’s glad that he hasn’t asked the reason of why she’s so fluent in the aforementioned language despite China being where she was ‘born’. Because that’s a story for another time. If ever.

_Not really._

“Alright. Promise me you’ll tell me if you ever need someone to talk to?”

She nods.

‘Do you think there are any chances of you getting back to sleep?’

Yuu shrugs. _I’ll try._

Suddenly, an idea pops into her head. _Hey, Mr Tiedoll?_

‘Yes?’

_I’m not sure if this really makes any sense but… could we do some kind of project together? Like, I really, really like writing and I saw you drawing the other day… So I was wondering if we could do something like a game where you draw something, and I write a story to go with it? It sounds kind of silly now that I think about it, but, I mean, you’re supposed to be responsible for me now so I figured it would make sense to do something like this as you know… a kind of bonding thing. I don’t even know where this is going. Just want to write and yeah, I like your drawings and want to see what happens if we put them together._

Her wrist aches from all that writing but it’s worth it when she sees the way the General is beaming with excitement.

‘That sounds like a brilliant idea, Yu!'

Yuu leaps up to her feet and hugs him, her paper and pencil discarded on the floor.

Tiedoll hugs her back. 'I'm glad you're excited. Although, we can't go on for too long tonight. You need your rest.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yo, this is simply to say that I would love it if you would please talk to me, guys. I'm not going to bite your head off or anything. Even just a simple statement that you enjoyed it is fine. It's your choice of course. Just, comments telling me your thoughts on what I've gotten written so far are really are appreciated.


End file.
